Honesty. Bravery. Strength.

The honesty to acknowledge your dreams.
Despite the noises you hear
Everyday of your life
Coming from everywhere.

The bravery to fight the detractors,
To stand up for what you believe in.
Love, dreams and all those stuff life is supposed to be made of,
But you have come to accept as non-essentials.

And finally the strength
You'll feel when you're finally left standing
At the end of the day, at the end of the road,
Smiling at the sight of a triumphant journey.

What is the shape of a life?

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's been a long time since I've written here. But now that I'm barely a month away from leaving Singapore and starting a whole new life, I've somehow decided to return. I used to think that blogging was redundant, that it wasn't any useful to keep track of what happen during your day on the internet for everyone to read, that people who are interested in your life will find out about you anyway. But recently, when I started to read the archives of regular bloggers, i found a trove of memories, things long forgotten, buried deep at the back of my mind. these things came back to me in waves and waves, and suddenly, blogging seemed like something useful. Moreover, now that I'll be heading away real soon, this place will help ppl who are interested to keep in touch with the happenings of my life.



The Past 10 Months of My Life


And so since I've ORD-ed in Novemeber last yr, a lot has happened. Looking back at it there were a lot of things that I might have done differently, but from everything that has happened, I think I have learnt a lot.


I came out of army like most ppl, feeling relieved that all the regimentation and lack of freedom we endured in army has come to pass, looking forward to a good long break before school starts, and basically not knowing what I wanted in life. The key consideration then was not to waste too much time, earn some money to get by, try new things and basically enjoy myself. 


So I agreed to help Allan with his business. It was something exciting, different from a normal office/data entry kinda job, and although the pay was meagre, I tot it was worth shot, especially since I was also enrolled in NUS Biz and I wanted a feel of the environment. Got in there for a few months, and I realised I didn't really enjoyed the whole hustle bustle of business. There was also a general lack of excitement on my part to start school, because i knew then that i was embarking on a journey that i would not enjoy, and have absolutely no interest in. I had to take a closer look at what i wanted out of my life, and even if it meant taking a step into the dark, i had to do it. Wasting 5 years of my life chasing a double degree which bores me holds no meaning to me. 


And so I applied to study Anthropology in UK. I was aiming to get into LSE then, because Seb and Elson had already gotten into Econs then. In the end I got accepted into all my choices- UCL, Manchester, Saint Andrews and SOAS, except LSE, which was quite sad for me. But looking back now, SOAS is actually a more specialised school and i guess the environment would be different to something we are all familiar with. I'm actually so so stoked to start school (: 



Lessons learnt: I have dreams of my own, and these dreams belong to me, and me alone. I had to make decisions for myself, and dreams are there to be chased. I have to be brave to take the first steps, and then keep moving.If achieving what you want is easy, it means you are not challenging yourself, and that you have settled in a comfort zone.  I want to wake up everyday to a new challenge, a reason to jump out of bed and get going. I dun wanna dread school, look forward to a life of rat race, and then nothingness. I needed to live, and feel alive.   




I am also extremely thankful that in these last 10 months, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the people around me. Increasingly I've started to see that everyone around us are put in our lives for a reason, part of a greater plan that we perhaps can never comprehend. I like to believe so, for it's more romantic an idea than just saying it is coincidence, but yes, i'm grateful that when i needed them, i always had friends and family to count on. From choosing my course, application process and even when i was struggling with the decision to sign on, there was always someone there for me, and i can't possibly say how thankful i am for that. 


I've also enjoyed all the overseas trip since i've ORD-ed- six self-funded trips in total haha. From Bangkok to Taiwan and even the short trips to malaysia, I'm happy that i got to escape Singapore for awhile each time. If anything this 10 months has whetted my appetite for travel, and i realise how much there is out there in the world to see and explore. Of course Sua Yu's one man expedition around Asia has been one hell of an inspiration, and getting to spend 2 magical weeks with him was a crazy eye-opener, and im now just really really thirsty for more (: if only i had the courage and will then to do something like that. i realiesd that life dun always present us opportunities more than once, and the moment we miss something we can lose it forever. The Carpe Diem we learnt in school isn't bullshit; we really need to seize the day and be brave enough to take chances.


So, people come and go in our lives, but those whom we want to stay, we will make an effort to reach out to them, and for those that want you to stay, they will likewise make an effort to keep connected. In time to come when everyone starts settling into their new lives, head off in different directions and find new friends, staying in touch might become even more trying. C'est La Vie. 


I still have one more month before I leave for school. It doesn't seem all that long, but if you live it day by day, you'll realised that I have quite a bit of time in my hands. I'm not sure wad i'll be doing with that time, but i think volunteering somewhere looks like an option. Like i told Mel Wan, if i dun have the time and money now to travel and explore places, i might as well spend some time interacting with people to explore life. I still am thinking about a lot of things, no less about leaving Singapore, but at the end of the day, I think i am very happy with where i am now in life (: 


PTL!

He holds no regards for the wishes of men,
and moves through space with such ease and nonchalance.
He sucks us into His vortex of Darkness,
and spits his victims out, of broken dreams, and unfulfilled promises.

We could run and fight and kick tonight.
We ran, we kicked, with all our might.
And still He moves like a faceless enemy.

This is His deafening crescendo to silence.

so the stars came out to play. they call them the street lights of eternity, leading us on in the darkest of nights, the bleakest of times.

im anticipating anticipating anticipating. for 14 more nights to pass. for a million more stars to be born.

i can hear the primal cries when i close my eyes.

i can see the peak caps flying.

i can feel the warmth of tears and hugs.

but i can't wait.

can't wait can't wait.

despite all the things military put you thru, at the very core i still feel very much like the same person i was. i'm still very weak and feeble, and as an individual i have never felt strong enough to do things alone, to do things for myself.

last week and before, i hated the feeling that service term was ending, and because everything was so packed we cld always pretend that everyone will be together forever. we behaved like we were not sad that it was ending, that tmr would be the same, that even if we moved on things would not change. i feel sad, looking back now that maybe things could have been nicer, that perhaps we should have treasured each other more, a hell lot more. 14 weeks of training might have been tough and draining, but it has brought a grp of strangers together like a family. fight and forgive, forgive and forget.

now, that service term has ended, i feel sad. i felt really sad before, and even though now im moving along and feeling ok, there's always this niggling feeling that i want to go back to the comfort of the past. sometimes i get stuck in the refuge of the last 14 weeks, and i cant seem to snap out of it. but i'm moving along.

the last 6 months in army i have learnt a lot. along the way i've made some really really good friends, friendships that will last a long time, a hundred million lifetimes. im apprehensive abt the future, but the faith ppl around has shown in me will give me the strength to push on. 5 more months. im hanging in there.

and so before i finally head off to the much-celebrated Tekong 5 Star Resort for a 18 days, 17 Nights stay! and say hi to sunny beaches and pristine sand and crystal clear water, i need to thank everyone that has made the last week or so awesome.

i feel so overwhelmed now typing this, having blocked off any form of sadness as best as i could over the last few days and really just do everything i wanted. i feel so loved, so happy, that finally now that i have to move on to a new chapter of my life, i have memories, friendships and ppl around me who are REAL and who have always been there. not that i dread NS coming, but it feels like i dun really want to close this chapter of my life. it's been so wonderful and no wonder ppl say schooling yrs are the best of their lives. it's really not a lie; no matter how much shit school gives you, school still rocks rocks rocks.

and to everyone who has made me feel special, alive and loved, i thank you thank you thank you with all my heart. i'll try to, but will not list names, only because i dun wanna miss anyone out. you guys know who you are. I love you all.

be back in 2 weeks (:  

wow 13 more days before i surrender all forms of personal liberty to the government/army and become a patriotic soldier who will do his utmost to protect your/my country. i'm enjoying every minute of this holiday, the first time probably in my life where i enter this period of the yr w/o dreading the prospect of a new and crazy school yr. instead life is just pretty much fun and worry-less and just moving along, meeting up with ppl who matters and all that! life is good!

this holiday i made an effort to BUY GIFTS AND WRITE LETTERS to ppl around me. i guess it's just my way of saying thanks to all you awesome ppl out there who have made life so much better and easier one way or another (: and it felt damn good spending those money and writing those cards, even though the whole process toook days!! and the writing part wasnt that easy haha taking hours but i made it through so that's good. 

i am thankful for many things and many ppl, and i wanna go thru the list of things/ppl that have made the past 2 yrs live-able!

( VERY MANY THANKS! )

So, that's a really really long post but damn it felt good typing them out! now i have so little time left and im making sure im not wasting any of them because time is just so short! so CARPE DIEM EVERYONE and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS (: 

today was supposed to be spent revising lit, and until awhile ago, everything was going well. i was able to go through a few tales by POE, pick out a few things i missed out before and yea, cruising through my revision. after lunch, things felt a bit lethargic, and tv was showing shit, im sick of my ipod having been reliant on it for much of the last month or so, and so, I DECIDED TO PUT ON DISNEY SOUNDTRACK. since then, i can hardly read past 2 sentences, because disney music gets me thinking. disney music gets me feeling.

there's something about disney, not just the music- the movies, the stories, that is timeless, quietly inspiring. the feelings they give are so raw, so real, so innocent and pure it makes me feel young all over again. it seems like the 2 years in college i haven been feeling a lot, just drifting through most of the time, struggling to make it through most of the days, amidst all these competition, the desire for exccellence, the hypocrisy of the whole system? i realised it's been a long time since i have really felt truly sad, or truly happy, and indeed until last week when I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO WRITE MY NAME ON MY ECONS SCRIPT AND OPENLY CHALLENGED BY THE INVIGILATOR, i have never felt truly angry too (and for the record i was fuming at that time, NEVER CLOSE TO TEARS, contrary to majority discourse. even if my eyes were red they were from the rush of blood to the head).

i remember how disney used to make life feels so simple and easy- when you see the evil-stepmother plotting to feed Snow White the poison apple, you'd feel angry. when Pinocchio finally became a real human being, i remember feeling happy. when simba's dad died in lion king, i felt sad. and when ALice encountered all the million weirdos in the Wonderland, i felt kinda scared. the emotions just came. now, it seems like i haven felt anything like that in a long time; pure emotions. it's like a mechanism to not feel anything, to make these 2 years easier.

i have always been one to never look beyond what i have in my hands, living by the day and never really making those big ambitious plans that people do now. i had dreams, most of which are forgotten, but never plans. i dunno if there's a difference, but i know that when i dreamed a dream it made the world look like a big universe of infinite possibilities. now, having to make plans for the future, everything look so small and cold. i need to feel the zeal for life again, that belief and love, the kind of fuzziness you feel when Simba's dad tells him that whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings amongst the stars will always be there to guide you. i dunnno if college have turned my cyncial and indifferent towards the world, but deep down i noe that i still have that youthful idealism in me that believes Obama can be the man to change the world we live in (OH YES WE CAN!), and in waiting for a True Love's Kiss.

i feel like i have so much more to say, and somehow i just dun think i have the words for it. but hey, i have never felt so in touch with myself for a long time, and i guess this counts as a reflection of JC life? i'll come up with one another one about the happy times soon (: